- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
- He who hesitates is probably right.
- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is
  research.
- Two wrongs are only the beginning.
- You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
- A clear conscience is usually a sign of a poor memory.
- If you must choose between two evils, choose the one you've never tried
  before.
- Change is inevitable...except from vending machines.
- A fool and his money are soon partying.
- Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
- Always try to be modest and be proud of it.
- If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
- How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands...
- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
– Everybody, repeat after me... "We are all individuals."
- Death to all fanatics.
- Don't be sexist. Broads hate that.
- Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
- Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
- Borrow money from pessimists. they don't expect it back.
- Half the people you know are below average.
- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
- If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you.
- But wait! There's more!
- Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
- How do I set my laser printer on stun?
- How is it possible to have a civil war?
- If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
- If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
- If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
- If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
- If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
- If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
- Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
- Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
- Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
- What happens when none of your bees wax?
- Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?
- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
- Is Santa so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live?
- Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as
  ghosts - but as mattresses?
- Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
- Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
- One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
- Atheism is a nonprophet organization.