Simple Duties
You make the bed
+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows
0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets
-1
You leave the toilet seat up
-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty
0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex
-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom
-2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings
+5
But return with beer
-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night
0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing
0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something
+5
You pummel it with a six iron
+10
It's her father
-10
Social Engagements
You stay by her side the entire party
0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
drinking buddy
-2
Named Tiffany
-4
Tiffany is a dancer
-6
Tiffany has implants
-8
When mingling, you hold her hand and gaze at her lovingly
+1
When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain" and pat her on
the rump
.-5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think
she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you"
+1
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she is attractive
and you say, "Yeah, but she's lousy in bed"
-6
That woman is her sister
-90
You have one drink, and that is it
0
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle
-2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted.
-18
Saturday Afternoon
You go to the mall together
+3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car
.+4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports
bar
-2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it
+3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and then nap on a sectional
0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk
+3
Most of it chips and beer
-6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den
+15
Or refinishing the floor
+16
Or rewiring the basement
+17
Or adding a second floor
+18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom door
-6
And you are tickled pink about it
-15
You visit her parents
.0
You visit her parents and actually make conversation
+3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television
-3
And the television is off
-6
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear
-6
And you didn't even go to college
-10
And it's not your underwear
-15
Her Birthday
You take her out to dinner
0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar
+1
Okay, it's a sports bar
-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night
-3
It's a sports bar, it's all you can eat night, and your face is painted the
colors of your favorite team
-10
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant, and hire a guitar player.
+3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player, and get up and sing
+4
If you stink
+2
If you're not half bad
+5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much applause
-2
You give her a gift
0
You give her a gift and it is a small appliance
-10
You give her a gift and it is not a small appliance
+1
You give her a gift and it isn't chocolate
+2
You give her a gift that you will be paying off for months
+30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a birthday gift that day
-10
With her credit card
-30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big
-40
Thoughtfulness
You forget her birthday completely
-120
You forget your anniversary
-30
You forget to pick her up at the bus station
-45
Which is in Newark, New Jersey
-50
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast
-60
A Night Out With The Boys
Go out with a pal
-5
And the pal is happily married
-4
Or frighteningly single
-7
And he drives a Mustang
-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)
-15
You have a few beers
-9
And miss curfew by an hour
-12
You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call
-20
You get home at 3 a.m
-30
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars
-40
And not wearing any pants
-50
Is that a tattoo??
-200
Her Night Out
You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from work
+5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home late
+10
You wait up
-5
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed
+20
A Night At Home
You watch TV together
0
You rent a movie
+2
You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY
+3
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout
+5
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall sleep
-1
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool
-2
A Night Out
You take her to a movie
.+2
You take her to a movie she likes
+4
You take her to a movie you hate
+6
You take her to a movie you like
-2
It's called DeathCop 3
-3
Which features cyborgs having sex
-9
You lied and said that it was a forein film about orphans
-15
Flowers
You buy her flowers only when it is expected
0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it
+20
You give her wildflowers you actually picked yourself
+30
And she contracts Lyme disease
-25
Your Physique
You develop a noticeable potbelly
-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it
+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiin shirts to disguise it
-5
Finances
You spend a lot of money on something impractical
-5
Something she can't use
-10
Such as a motorized model airplane
-20
And she got a small appliance for her birthday
-40
Driving
You lost the directions on a trip
-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost
-10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town
-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and
personal
-25
You know them
-60
The Big Question
She asks, "Do I look fat?"
-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding
-10
You reply, "Where?"
-35
Communication
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks
like a concerned expression
0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes
+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV
+10
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep
-20
