Skinny people piss me off! Especially when they say things like, "You
know sometimes I forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my
mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat.
You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She
had 14 kids, but she doesn't care.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all
that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said,
"Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous
toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "listen bitch... do it and you
die."

The trouble with some women is that they get excited about nothing
(and then they marry him.)

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are
eating too much, drinking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast.
Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than
30 can fit into their stuff.

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How
intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"